Monday, July 30, 2012
Yesterday was an interesting day for me energetically. I woke up really ticked off. By mid-day, I was experiencing major depression. I haven’t felt this type of “downer” for quite some time. This was one of those times when I just wanted to get an early start on my “long winter’s nap” and hoped I might oversleep into spring! Last night, it climaxed into a deep void-like stillness with the unsettling recognition that nothing I have done/created is moving. In other words, little response from the “external” - which part of me of course interprets as rejection and failure. What if I’ve been wrong all this time? What if I’ve just been living in my own little nutsy world? What if I’m really like the character from A Beautiful Mind and have no clue what’s real?
The interesting thing about this was I could feel a strong, sturdy foundation underlying this “episode.” (A couple of years ago, I might have completely fallen apart.) This gave me the assurance I needed to go ahead and “wallow in it” so I could determine what the real issue was. For just a brief second before I drifted off to sleep, I caught the word “self-esteem.”
This morning, I realized that “self-esteem” does not come from the external. Applause from the world around me does not mean I am in alignment with my higher guidance. It just means I happened to momentarily align with the likes of others which has nothing (necessarily) to do with my own soul’s path or what I might have to share. Self-esteem is an internal job. To be the “independent operator,” I have to have faith in my own guidance and what I’m doing no matter what. W-o-w….. This was huge for me! Today, I’m back on my horse and enjoying a chocolate malt! Woohoo!
Another little drop-in had to do with mission or purpose. I have felt some confusion between that gifted to me by an enlightened master and some astrological and channeled messages I have been given. The one shared that we have no mission or purpose other than to experience and evolve. There is only One. The others gave me information on a particular mission I have for this lifetime. Because of the latter, I felt a little pressure to get some things done. There is a lot of frustration when you think you have something to do but you have no idea what it looks like! (Made me a little snarky!) This morning I realized it isn’t an “either/or” - both can be correct. However, my head has no idea what this mission is and has no business doing the planning. If I have a mission, it is programmed into my being and I don’t need to worry about it. It will unfold exactly as it is supposed to as I follow my own inner/higher guidance. Confusion gone. Brow minus its furrow. Tic under eye momentarily dormant. All is well.