Do you ever have times in your life when you wonder what the heck is going on? Why isn’t anything working? For me, I can even get to the place where I’m wondering if my time here in this world is done. I can feel soooooo miserable emotionally and my emotions seem to have a symbiotic relationship with my mental mind as well as my physical being. Doubt becomes enemy #1 as I grow intensely weary of following what I know to be my own Inner Guidance (IG) yet running into a brick wall just as I dare to believe and reach a near sprint! (Lucy convincing Charlie Brown to once again trust her then pulling the football away after he’s run toward it and just as he swings his leg to kick it, comes to mind!) Suddenly, I find myself unwilling to “believe” even one more time. I find myself going round in circles thinking I must be doing something wrong…, not able to determine what it is and beginning to doubt my own IG. (Very unnerving!)
For instance, I’ve felt the inner push to offer a travelling workshop and gone through all the hoops to set it up without one person showing interest. I’ve set up a business including creating my own website (interesting…) …given some workshops…been “yo-yo’d” several times by prospective clients… followed my IG all the way…yet not ending up with what I envisioned. In fact, I would say that part(s) of me definitely have cried out “Oh Lord, why hath thou forsaken me?” After all, my IG pushed me in this direction…why hasn’t it worked out the way I anticipated? Why am I not rich, famous and deliriously happy? I must be doing something wrong… (Torment and Punishment and Doubt! Oh my!)
Well…I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I’m not doing anything wrong…I’ve just attached my own meaning and desired outcomes to the directions I’ve heard and followed. I’ve judged myself negatively based on my interpretations of the outcomes I’ve experienced. I heard the directions and rushed ahead with my own assumptions of what that meant was coming. (This reminds me of Devi, my dog, rushing ahead to get the ball when I haven’t thrown it yet! Where is it? Where is it? As she looks frantically in multiple directions before turning back to find that I’m still holding the object she seeks or I’ve thrown it in a direction other than she anticipated! And I think she’s gullible!)
So what I’ve learned is this…S-U-R-R-E-N-D-E-R…this means stop trying to figure it out…stop attempting to dictate an outcome...stay in the moment…take each step directed without pre-conceived notions as to their meaning….allow myself to be surprised and excited by the unknown…enjoy the ride. The soul knows the path it has chosen… “i” don’t have a clue… It knows the beliefs and pre-conceived understandings I am to release while “i” protectively (and gallantly, I might add!) attempt to hold onto my limitations!
With this knowledge, I feel a sense of peace (at least for now!) as well as the rekindling of my child-like excitement in knowing that there is a path beneath my feet….invisible to “me”…but well known by ME. The question is, can I blindly surrender to this path, trusting continuously in that which I cannot see? (This is where the child-like excitement is supposed to come in! Yahoo!???) Once again, I feel inspired to give it a try….and as I confidently jog toward the football….I hear “Charlie Brown rides again!” Woohoo! :-)