The Root of the Battle...

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Well….I’ve had an incredible couple of months.  I’m not even sure I can put words to the experiences….but for my own benefit and integration, it seems important to make the attempt.  In August, I had a session with one of my favorite “transformational artists/facilitators” – Ray Dawn (see www.raydawn.com).  Things weren’t moving along as I had hoped and I wanted to know what the problem was.  The time with Ray Dawn revealed the fact that I hadn’t “given up the battle.”   Though I could definitely feel “angst” around politics, the educational system, religion, etc., I hadn’t put two-and-two together that the cause of the angst and external battles I was experiencing was actually within me.

I could easily see the part(s) of me that were battling the system and pushing for change.  This part of me felt the battle was necessary for transformation to take place.  However, I know (at least in my mind) that what I see and experience externally is actually the mirror of what is going on inside me – I just hadn’t brought what “I know” home yet.  So….I decided to look a little deeper….where was the real battle?

When I turned inward, I found a slightly more subtle battle going on.  This one had to do with trust.   Though I feel fairly confident that I have the courage to follow my own guidance (when I hear it!), I hadn’t given much validation to the angst I felt when that guidance had me doing things that seemed contrary to popular belief.  There was a great deal of anxiety I was ignoring.  The angst caused me to “pull my sword” and bulldoze ahead against the false façade of the general world.  “The world around me doesn’t operate the way I do, therefore, I must change it!  I must take it on!  I must engage in the battle!”  (Good God – just writing about it wears me out!)  All the while….the crux of the battle without continued unattended inside me….

As I continued to deepen the search within me, the angst of the battle flamed hotter!  The greater the angst…the more uncomfortable and unhappy I became.  The voices in my head became louder and more consistent – they had nothing nice to say.  The nasty feelings that accompanied them were unbearable.  I almost couldn’t stand it!  Finally, I heard “I give up….this is who I am…I am a 7 times Scorpio…I love to search the dark/unknown….I’m not meant to be anything other than who I am… I love the shadows…I love the mystery….that’s just the way it is….This is me….and this is the way I am meant to be.”   And with that acknowledgment came peace.  For the first time, I was seeing through the eyes of Karrie – not some past life or the eyes of how I thought I should be.  For the first time, I was me and in the now.  And…..the angst disappeared.

A few days letter, the angst returned and the voices of ugliness were screaming!  I was conscious of the fact that these voices were a part of me – I accepted that - BUT I didn’t like what they had to say AND I most certainly didn’t like the way I felt!  In that moment it became apparent that my reaction had always been to suppress them – shove them down as far as possible so no one can see them – especially me!  However, I couldn’t ignore them anymore – so now what?! 

I decided to go for a walk.  On that walk, I asked for assistance in dealing with these shadowy characters and feelings.  Within a few minutes, I felt this cloud energetically separate from me – and it was u-g-l-y!  It was all my shadows in one big horrendous shadow-cloud!  The cloud took form in the shape of an extremely ugly troll-like figure – hunched, hairless, pointed ears, long sharp nails and extremely nasty feeling!  It was so horrible I couldn’t even bring myself to look at it!  I noticed that it felt really good to not have it within me – but I knew I had to do something.  I finally decided I had to look at it.  I took a calming breath and looked it right in the eyes…and then I put my hand on the side of its face and said “I’m so sorry…Please forgive me….I love you….thank you.”  Immediately, the figure began to dissipate…so I said these words twice more.  The troll completely disintegrated leaving a little girl which quickly reintegrated back into me….

I haven’t felt that angst since.  When I do feel a little something, I do the same thing – I’m so sorry….Please forgive me…I love you…thank you – and it disappears. 

I believe this was the crux of the real battle…the battle within me was with me.  The real battle was me trying not to be me.  I was battling my-Self because I thought I was supposed to be different than who I am – and that’s a battle I will never win.

I sense the shadows I have attempted to suppress for most of my life probably originated from me abandoning and denying me in order to fit into the ways of the false-façade world.  This forced a battle to ensue in order to keep those shadows suppressed and to keep me from being the real me – the me I’m meant to be….

In this moment, I am at peace – content to be Karrie….happy to be me.   

Much love,

Karrie