I’ve been
feeling an underlying depression for a while now. At times I experience sadness… and grief… a
very deep grief. At other times, I feel
angry and frustrated… wanting to strike out.
This morning I decided to really feel into these emotions and sensations…
I wanted to know where they were coming from… What is it I’m grieving? As
I allowed myself to feel… it became
very clear that what I am experiencing is in response to death… Something inside me has died…
As I delved
into my feelings… I began to realize that the pain… the depression… the grief…
is related to my release of what I refer to as the False Façade… the man-made illusion of rules… regulations…
obligations… and expectations… My connection to this dominating illusion has
died… and I’m grieving it.
Frankly, I
was shocked by this recognition as well as the depth of emotion I was feeling…
Internally, I was sobbing… the type of sobs which accompany deep loss… and
letting go. I was shocked by what I was experiencing… because I’ve been consciously
separating from the “traditional” for quite some time… Railing against it due
to its narrowness… Its exclusiveness… and because I no longer fit in… I’m excluded
from its membership… no longer acceptable because of who I am… I’m not a member
of the “dominate culture”… and to my tremendous surprise, at a very deep level I’m
grieving the loss of my connection to it.
As a child,
the “dominant culture” was my “home”… It was what I knew… It was where I played…
felt safe… The structure of the “dominant culture” was something with which I
was familiar… and therefore, it felt secure.
Somewhere along the line, however – and to my unconscious as well as
conscious horror – my “membership” began to unravel… I didn’t belong to this
culture… and I wasn’t accepted by it either… I became more and more conscious
that I no longer could support the culture I grew up in as the “dominant
culture.” I became aware that the world –
and America – was made up of lots and lots and lots of people who didn’t fit
this “dominant culture” either… and who also had unalienable rights to their Life… Liberty… and pursuit of
Happiness…
As I step
back and look at what I’ve written… what I’m really saying… I can see – and more
compassionately understand - what’s happening in America today… and why there’s
so much angst… particularly politically, where one party doggedly perseveres to
represent the dissipating “dominant culture”… doing what it can to hold onto
what it had, “by any means necessary.” What’s happening is what used to be the “dominant
culture” is losing its place as “dominant”… and those who are attached to this
culture feel like something is being taken away from them… and they’re afraid
they will lose their rights to live
how they want to live… In some ways,
they believe they’re fighting to survive… not realizing that other cultures
also want their right to exist… a
right they/we have had to fight for… When
in reality, under an enormous umbrella of freedom and equality… all cultures
have the right to exist… but not the right to dominate…
So today, I
acknowledge… accept… and honor the grief I feel. I honor and release the “dominant culture”
from which I came… and begin to honor and claim a new culture… a culture that
claims us all.
Much love,
Karrie
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